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  • Writer's pictureHenry Cavanaugh

Sexy Santa

Updated: Dec 15, 2018

Ugh, this is totally the worst time of year. Yeah, I don’t give a fuck what all the songs say because it’s all bullshit. I hate Christmas and I have ever since I was nineteen. Before then I was all in on the holiday season but it’s kind of hard to be when you’re annually reminded of a stupid mistake you made once upon a time.

Let me explain. Back when I was in college and seriously strapped for cash, I made the decision to sign up and be a “Sexy Santa” at one of the malls in the next town over. The last thing I wanted was my classmates spotting me in the red and white, even if I had nothing to complain about. I had kept my body in shape all through high school and college had only seen me make even more gains. I was confident that I would make a great ‘Sexy Santa’ but my excitement at the opportunity to bolster my bank account meant that I didn’t properly read the contract I was signing.

You see, the contract specifies that the mall has hired my body but not necessarily me. In fact, it turned out that it was preferably not me at all, but instead one of the ‘trained’ Santas they had on hand. I’m talking men in their seventies with bushy white beards who clearly hadn’t seen the inside of a gym for decades. My stomach turned in disgust as the truth was revealed to me but before I could even argue, he was pushing his round belly against my back and vanishing deep inside of me to assume control.

I’m thirty-three now and still under the contract fifteen years later which means every December I’ve had to experience the great pleasure - please note the sarcasm used there - of having my body worn by a ‘professional Santa’. It’s not as if they only get my body during working hours either. They’re in my body from the 1st to the 26th and there’s not a single thing I can do about it accept sit in the backseat of my own mind and watch as they get to have fun being the young stud that I am.

Please, if you see a ‘Sexy Santa’ in your local mall, beware. There’s a good chance they aren’t the man they’re claiming to be and if you ever see a mall advertising for ‘Sexy Santa’ positions then don’t ever go for it. Don’t make the same mistake I did! 

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