“You’re just… not what I want anymore.”
Kurt honestly couldn’t believe that things with Blaine were ending like this. They’d had their ups and downs over the years but he’d always believed that they’d stick together in the end. Unfortunately during his absence it seemed like his boyfriend’s attentions had turned to another, one who Kurt was all too aware that he couldn’t compete with: one-time stripper, Glee club heartthrob and All-American jock Sam Evans.
Once upon a time Kurt had actually found Sam pretty cute, although he’d learned his lesson about crushing on straight jocks when things with Finn had initially turned sour. Kurt had vowed to keep his attention on available gay men but apparently Blaine hadn’t learned that lesson yet. He was only setting himself up for a world of pain but Kurt was well aware of the fact this now ex-boyfriend wouldn’t listen if he tried to explain as much.
He had to let it go, only that felt impossible. He had invested so much in his relationship with Blaine and now it was all going to waste just because he had a crush on the popular jock. There was no way Kurt could match up to the blonde’s muscles or sense of humor or even the classic wide-jawed masculinity that Sam pulled off so naturally. Hell, even his confidence levels trumped over anything Kurt had to offer.
A night filled with alcoholic beverages was quickly organized by Rachel to keep his mind off his ex-love and the inclusion of Mercedes and Tina meant there were enough loud voices that Kurt should theoretically been able to stop thinking about Blaine and Sam. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case and the more he had to drink, the more willing he was to comment upon it. Tina egged him on, clearly enjoying his bitchy comments and Kurt allowed himself to get everything off of his chest, even the deep-seated jealousy he felt at somebody else being the subject of Blaine’s affections.
“You know, even if Sam was gay he couldn’t love Blaine like I can, you know? Like, I will always be a better boyfriend than Sam will be,” he mumbled, the effect of alcohol causing him to slur his words. “If I had Sam’s body then I’d pretty much be Blaine’s perfect guy, right? Right?” Clearly not wanting to upset him, the girls all quickly agreed before ordering another round of drinks. Anything to keep him from getting too angsty apparently.
Kurt expected to wake up the next morning with a killer headache. He didn’t anticipate waking up with blond hair and abs.
With a remarkably clear head for somebody who had easily drunk their body weight in spirits and mixers the night before, Kurt was quick to identify what had happened. In fact he had a pretty good guess what was going on even before he managed to navigate himself out of the unfamiliar bed sheets and in front of a mirror to see Sam Evans’ face grinning back at him!
“Holy shit,” he gasped, shocked once more when he heard Sam’s voice speaking the words. Perhaps it would have been stranger to hear his own high-pitched tones leaving the lips of the high school jock but it was still surprising to Kurt. Hell, there wasn’t any part of this that wasn’t surprising. He could remember silently wishing to be Sam just so he could have the chance to be with Blaine again but he’d been drunk and hadn’t put any actual thought into it!
If he was in Sam’s body though, what did that mean for the real Sam - or his own body? Was it possible that they had switched bodies altogether? The thought made Kurt burst into laughter but he quickly realized that perhaps it wasn’t as silly as he thought at first. After all he was definitely looking at a reflection that didn’t belong to him so who was to say that Sam wasn’t doing the exact same at that very moment, only in New York instead of Ohio?
Ever the opportunist, Kurt was quick to see the benefits that came with this surprise awakening. Not only did he now have a killer body - one he had every intention of exploring in private as soon as possible - but he also had the opportunity to rekindle things with Blaine just like he’d wanted.
A barrage of frantic text messages from his own number to Sam’s phone confirmed that his suspicion was correct and Sam had indeed woken up thousands of miles away in a much smaller and effeminate body. It was strange being somebody so different from himself but honestly it was an experience Kurt was looking forward to taking advantage of!
Unable to hold himself back much longer, he allowed a hand to snake beneath the stars-and-stripes boxers he’d woken up in and wrap around the new equipment he’d be working with. Needless to say Kurt didn’t think Blaine would be all that disappointed with what ‘Sam’ had to offer. First though he’d have a little private exploration of his own and maybe then he’d give his dear ex-boyfriend a visit.
Just as he’d expected, within hours he had Blaine alone in the locker room and confessing feelings that Kurt knew Sam didn’t actually have. That didn’t matter anymore though - Sam was cities away and by the time he got back to Ohio, Kurt would have settled into his new life perfectly.
He was a great body, was a relatively well-respected football player and now he had a handsome boyfriend on his arm. Maybe there was a small part of Kurt that felt bad that he had to trick Blaine into taking him back but did he really have to know? It wasn’t like Kurt had planned this, it was just a crazy situation that was out of his control and he’d only chosen to take advantage of it.
And hey, at least Blaine couldn’t say Kurt wasn’t what he wanted anymore!